well, it’s been a LONNGG time

bu here I am.

update:
I’ve been the same weight as I was when I active on this blog, barely eating and was a health freak. I mean I’ve been in the 130s the whole time.

I eat whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want, without any exercise. I don’t know how this happened.. that I haven’t gained an enormous amount of weight but I haven’t.

I’m coming here, because I want to lose a little weight. my love handles are just.. wow. and so are my thighs. so I’m here to tone up and get back to eating healthy and working out, so I dont end up a pig.

“why am I going back to this” D;

I’m bawling right now. I never thought I’d be signed on to here again. my summer was flawless, I met the love of my life and he made me the happiest girl alive. I was so at peace with myself up until lately. I got diagnosed with depression just a month ago and got back from my follow up an hour ago.

I told myself I’m not going to eat. 

I’ve been having an excellent time, loving my body, pigging out on food, but when I got weighed today at the doctor I saw I gained 6 pounds since my last visit. I almost started crying right then and there.

here I sit up in my room bawling, resorting back here. to this tumblr page that brings me back to all my pain I’ve overcome. it reminds of the bitter cold winter last year, freezing, not eating, obsessing, depressed, “fat”, lonely.

I still have the love of my life right here. unfortunately I think he’s lying to me. I asked him to hangout tonight and he made up a weak excuse that made NO sense and right then it set everything off. 

6 fucking pounds. I was so proud of my weight too. I was almost to the goal weight I had always tried to achieve through starving, but never reached. and there I had almost met it being happy and eating as i pleased.

thank you everyone, I love you all & I think this is goodbye

• I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been before. I found the absolute most perfect boy & we are totally in love. for me, its my first time ever feeling like this. he makes me feel so good about myself, so wanted, so important.

• this summer has been phenomenal.

• I’ve been eating whatever I feel like & been working out whenever I want, so I actually can enjoy it & not feel forced.

• I’ve mysteriously lost weight. I feel great about my body!

• I dont want this feeling to end

• I hope I won’t be back on here ever again, no offence because I love you all dearly, but I just dont want to go back to how I felt when I did use this daily.

• words cannot describe how thankful I am for you guys, helping me out. I no longer felt alone when I was struggling.

• I hope & pray you all can find happiness & come to terms with yourselves.

• stay healthy and take care. I love you all[:

currently:

I am doing great! I’ve been eating really good and have been excersizing. I feel a lot better. I’ve got a super sweet guy that I’m hanging out with tonight and it’s the first actual day of summer.

I’ve ate today:
1 slice 45cal bread w/light pb & honey- 70cal
baby carrots dipped in salsa - 30cals
brown rice w/mixed veggies - 150ish? no idea.
total= 250cal
I am content & full.

I might go hop on the treadmill for a little bit? but considering I’m hanging out with that cutie pie tonight I might wanna go shower & get ready so I’m not rushing. I think I’ll go powerwalk for a little bit.

I hope you’re all having a fabulous summer & staying healthy!

I need food ideas

I have the chills right now.

just from being back on here. it’s like last winter was a bad dream and now it’s crashing down on me how real it really was.

hello my lovlies,

since I’m to a point right now where I’m not totally obsessing over food/calories/excersize I feel like I could be a person there of guidance for you all.

I still think about things, I’ve only tried to make myself throwup once since I’ve started feeling.. better about things. I know I’ll probably come struggling down this road again sometime, but as for now I’m feeling good. I’m actually kinda… proud? of my body. I eat what I what & workout when I feel it’s neccesary.

I really wish you all the best & if at any time you need someone to talk to, I am always here, more than willing to listen. stay healthy everyone. much love.

heads spinning.. with good thoughts for once

I always feel like I have post my current thoughts cause it helps me sort them, cause they get really obsessive, but the followers on my personal are prolly getting sick of my cause I have so much good going on right now.

• for the first time a guy likes me & I like him back. it’s mutual. for once:D
• sneaking out & spending the night at his house, just as friends though
• life is soo good right now, I can’t stick to a diet, because my weight isn’t bringing me down so incredibly much like it normally does
• my friends are being amazing -even though they’re all gonna be gone next month on vacations & camps.
• all of these amazing, nice, cute guys just popped into my life & actually ask me hang out a lot & aren’t douche bags or using me.
• I’m finally making money.
• I feel so much better about my body for some reason?[:
• I’ve been working out soo good, that I’m so sore I can barely walk.
• tmrw’s gonna be great. saturday’s gonna be great.
• I’ve been eating healthy without going hungry
• aww yeah.. that boy. he’s so perfect. I can’t even.
• ^in a week I’ll prolly be crying cause something will go wrong, because that’s my luck every other time. but I’ll be optimistic[:
• I can truly be myself now, I feel.
• I honestly just dont give a fuck anymore.
• I’m gaining a shit ton of new friends recently.

I’m just crazy happy lately. I’m not complaining, I love it. It’s a mixture of this sunshine, fun times, no stress & ..that boy[:

country club pool

full of skinny tan rich girls & their delicious boyfriends.

remind me why I go there again?