-summer started. after a couple hours at school for finals we all went out to the lake & grilled out. everyone in their swimsuit. of course the one who everyone thinks is anorexic is one of the fattest ones there.
-I was so hungry & exhausted from staying up late studying & taking finals so I gave in to junk food): everyone was looking at me up & down and up & down. it was sooooo awkward for me, I hate my body in a swimsuit.
-then we took a bajilllllion pictures, I’ll have to post one later. it would’ve been okay if we weren’t in our swimsuits only.
-then everyone was saying how my one friend (who eats shitty) is “soo anorexic & skinny & perfect”
-worst of all- I have a friend who has always strongly admired me. well today we were talking about what ticks each other off about one another. she said:
”you used to be my role model, but now you’re not you. you’re so self concious now. you used to be like “i dont give a fuck” and were so confident, but now you’re not like that anymore”
and all my other friends agreed. they said “you’re not fat or ugly. you’re fucking gorgeous & skinny. people always say it, but you never believe it”
so I told them how I’ve always been fat growing up, and I still see myself as that chubby girl that the boys make fun of. that hurt me the most, because after I lost a lot of weight a couple years ago I was so confident, skinny & beautiful. then I got used to my weight & now I just see myself as how I looked before I lost the weight.
ohhh & then I binged really bad on chocolate when I got home..
so I’m planning on starting a fast. I need to fucking LOSE WEIGHT. I’m thinking of only consuming low-cal liquids like tea, coffee, water & chai tea smoothies.
I’m going insane. someone just give me liposuction now.
